The Cranky Product Manager

Favorite Google Searches

2008-08-18T09:00:00-07:00

The Cranky Product Manager has been hanging out in the blogosphere for 2+ years now, and is thus well-indexed by Google and its ilk.

Odds are YOU first arrived here via a search - seems like most people do. And if you did, The CPM would lay bets that you are an "odd individual", to put it politely.

Seriously, you're a very strange bunch. Check out your searches below.

Most "Interesting" Searches

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Lots of Love to You Too

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Most Common Searches (there were 10+ variations of each of these)

how much does a product manager make
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Stalker Searches - How Dare You Try to "Out" the Cranky Product Manager, you a-holes!?!

"real name" "cranky product manager"
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is cranky product manager named ....
where does the cranky product manager work

Confess Your Sins: Buzzword Abuse

2008-08-05T12:19:42-07:00

DysfunctoSoft is looking for new markets to pollute, and thus the Cranky Product Manager has been researching new but related markets for her product. She's been trying to understand the technologies, the lingo, the vendors and the products. ... you know, that kind of crap.

And let the CPM tell you, it is far more difficult to figure out than it should be. She can't image how difficult it must be for customers.

Why? The Cranky Product Manager blames it on the Product Marketing Geniuses and their noxious habit of relabeling older products with the latest buzzwords. ESPECIALLY when the product doesn't actually do that new thing that everyone is all hyped up about.

Example: Today more than a few vendors claim their products support "content feeds" for alerting and letting users know about new content. Well, in the year 2008, "feeds" directly implies "RSS feeds" - a standards-based, pull technology, where the content can be pulled and displayed by a slew of standards-based client programs. Unfortunately, when you scratch the surface on some of these so-called "content feed" features, you'll find some 10-year old proprietary "push technology" crud, a la PointCast (remember them?).

Why did these Product Marketing Geniuses recast their push crud as feeds? So they can claim they are Web 2.0 -- an umbrella concept that usually includes RSS feeds somewhere in there, along with tags and other user-provided meta data, drag/drop web apps, etc.

Kind of reminds you of a 42-year old guy who dresses like a skateboarder, yet doesn't skateboard, doesn't it? Who does he think he's fooling? 20-something babes? Riiiigggghhhht.

Another example: the term "storage virtualization." The CPM can't put it better than Alessandro Pirelli. He says the term means nothing at all: "Depending on the vendor you are talking to, storage virtualization is the abstraction of the directories, of local volumes, of the remote volumes, of the array, etc. So even well known concepts like RAID or distributed file systems become storage virtualization and get sold as brand new, cutting-edge technology enhancements."

ARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.

The CPM asks you, WHAT the HELL are we doing to our customers when we, as product managers and product marketers, engage in this type of crap? So many of us are the source of this problem.... But then the CPM had a thought. Maybe together we can help fix this situation and undo some of the wrongs we've inflicted on the world. Maybe we can come up with a "No Bullshit Glossary" of the most frequently abused buzzwords...

The Cranky Product Manager invites you to submit examples of Buzzword Abuse -- situations where a company deliberately tries to put lipstick on a pig and claim their old crud is actually the new stuff that is so "hot" right now.

Who ARE you people, anyway?

2008-07-31T17:14:36-07:00

The Cranky Product Manager wants to know.... who the heck _ARE_ you, anyway? Are you part of her Product Management posse? Or part of the warring marketing or software engineering tribes? Do tell....

Or maybe you're just curious who else is reading?

Please take the "What's Your Gig" quiz on the Cranky Product Manager's Facebook
page. It'll show the results after you answer two simple questions....

Muchas Gracias,
The Cranky Product Manager

Three Things The CPM Doesn't Want to Hear

2008-07-29T23:50:40-07:00

Golly gee, the Cranky Product Manager was recently quoted a few times in the ZDNet blog, The IT Grind. As was Saeed "Wrath of" Khan, the esteemed author of The Blog On Product Management.

The title of the ZDNet piece was "10 things your IT project manager never wants to hear." Confusing that the CPM and Mr. Khan should both be featured, as both write about proDUCT management at software manufacturers, not proJECT management within corporate IT departments. But whatever. The CPM will take any publicity she can get.

Anyway, ZDNet just shared a few snippets of the Cranky Product Manager's distilled wisdom. You, darling readers, deserve more. So here's the CPM's entire rant, as sent to Deb Perelman at ZDNet.

THREE THINGS THE CRANKY PRODUCT MANAGER NEVER WANTS TO HEAR A DEVELOPER SAY. EVER.

1) "The product needs to be re-architected from scratch"

Re-architecting, it seems, is every engineer's wet dream. How could an engineer possibly be expected to understand the code their predecessor wrote? Better to tear down the entire house - even though its residents are perfectly sheltered - in order to remodel the bathroom or put a cover over the patio.

Really.

Re-architecture seems to always be necessary because the predecessor never knew "what the hell he/she was doing". Somehow the profession is littered with an innumerable number of idiots, except for the one currently doing the talking. If you believed the engineers you'd conclude that programming languages were all "WORN" - Write Once, Read Never.

Scratch that. Make it "WMRN" - Write Many Read Never.

2) "It's technically impossible"

In the Cranky Product Manager's experience, engineers only claim the really boring stuff is technically impossible. In contrast, the truly out-there stuff (building a warp drive, increasing Dubya's approval ratings) is described as "potentially do-able, if only ...". Funny that.

Saying something is "technically impossible" makes marketing and non-tech types shake in their boots. But fortunately the Cranky Product Manager has a solid code-slinging background and can call bullshit. Perhaps the WAY the engineer thinks is the Ideal is technically impossible, but almost always the customer requirements can be met via a different, more earth-bound implementation.

But too bad, the project will still be boring.

3) When a developer argues that a particular product component is PERFECT for implementation via the latest fad of development technology.

"Cranky Product Manager," they say, "we should implement this high-speed encryption system using Ruby with an AJAX front-end. It fits PERFECTLY."

What crap.

First, in most cases the fad technology most certainly does NOT fit the problem.

Second, we're under a deadline here! This thing needs to be DONE in 2 weeks and we don't have time for the developer to learn the latest resume-enhancing technology on the job while that clock is ticking. And besides that developer's slower speed, the QA team would need to figure out how to plug that new technology into their automated systems. The IT department has to figure out how to get the latest versions of the proper development tools on everyone's desktops. Other team members need to learn the FAD Tech too, in order to do code reviews or pick up the code when that developer is sick or incapable of fixing his own bugs. The ripple effects are huge.

Don't get the Cranky Product Manager wrong. Adding a new technology to the mix is often warranted, but it is not a decision to be taken lightly -- most certainly not on some developer's whim. Have the whole team consider FAD Tech in the planning stages of the next biggish release.

In the meantime, tell your developer to go screw around with FAD Tech at the next SuperHappyDevHouse or something. Just pray he doesn't whip up some piece of s@#$ hack and expect you to stuff it into the product at the last minute.

They Call This Guy a Product Manager?

2008-07-24T01:27:03-07:00

If it has been a long time since you've vomited in your mouth and you can't recall how badly it felt, then check this out....a first-person essay -- published in Business Week, no less -- by a brand spankin' new MBA who is ostensibly now a "product manager" at Microsoft.

And let me tell you, the guy sounds like the kind of weenus that gives all those Code Boyz out there just cause for reviling MBA-sporting product managers.

Reason number one for despising him (and the CPM quoteth):

"I'm not a very technical guy. On my first day at Microsoft it took me 30 minutes just to find the latch to open my laptop."

Dear effing G#d, is THIS why the Cranky Product Manager is having such difficulty hiring a reasonably competent PM these days? Because Microsoft is hoarding all the ones who take 30 minutes or less to open their laptops?

Reason number two:

"In a nutshell, my job is all about unlocking the value in our products..."

Oh no he di'int! Oh wait, yes, he did! That's right, he said it. "Unlocking Value." In public! Indeed. Such MBA tripe. Barf.

Reason number three:

"I have to figure out how to connect with customers directly, to convince them that every day they delay deploying Microsoft Office they miss out on real business value."

Hmmm. Well this is an interesting job description, but it is not one for product management. Product Management (and, one could argue, Marketing in general) is all about building products the market actually wants so (in theory) you don't have to convince anyone to deploy them. Honestly.

Sales, not product management, is all about convincing the customer that the steaming turd of a product you are currently serving is, in fact, the world's most tender Kobe steak served on fine bone china. Microsoft Office 2007 seems to fit the description.

Reason number four:

While he reads emails he "throws some random fist pumps." Dear God. Plus he listens to a Zune. Need the CPM say any more?

The Cranky Product Manager calls bullshit. This guy is in post-sales, not PM. What, do they give out Product Manager titles like they are soy sauce packets in Redmond? To fist-pumping morons who can't even open their laptops? Something tells me he wouldn't make it through the Google interview process...

Argh. No wonder the Code Boyz and Grrrlz of the world despise product managers. In fact, the Cranky Product Manager now feels compelled to apologize to the International Brother/Sisterhood of Code Boyz and Grrrls:

Mea culpa, my friends, please have mercy on our MBA-polluted product manager souls.

------------------

Remember to visit the Cranky Product Manager on Facebook.

And vote for her AGAIN in the ComputerWeekly.com blog-awards-sham-thing. Voting instructions: Scroll down to the "IT Project Management Blog" drop-down, select "The Cranky Product Manager", then click the Submit button.

(Yes, the Cranky Product Manager does find it odd that she's nominated for ProJECT management, not ProDUCT management. But hey, they could have put her up for the Biggest Douchebag Blog Award and the CPM would still ask you to vote for her. Because that's how desperate she is for the tiniest bit of blogular love and adulation. Obviously, daddy didn't give her enough hugs when she was growing up.)

Shameless Self-Promotion

2008-07-22T00:51:16-07:00

The Cranky Product Manager is now on Facebook. Check it here. Become her "Fan" or something. You know you want to.

And don't ye be a dumb-dumb. "Anna (Nicole) Smith" -- the so-called "name" of the creator of the Cranky Product Manager Facebook page -- is a complete fabrication. Duh. Apparently Facebook won't let the CPM register by her "actual" name of "Cranky Product Manager." *sniff*

Oh yeah, remember to vote for the CPM for that blog-awards-sham-thing. Early and often. Polls close on July 31.

Oh yeah, almost forgot: "Facebook is a registered trademark of Facebook, Inc.”

Shameless Begging

2008-07-04T08:05:19-07:00

Holy grande triple latte. The Cranky Product Manager has been nominated for a big-league award. And it is an award that requires that you be a humungous super genius, no lie. Totally.

Guess which one it is?

The CPM knows what you're thinking. It goes like this: "WOW, the CPM must have been invited to speak at this year's TED Conference." Alas, you are incorrect. For some reason TED did not deem the embittered rantings of a spat-upon, cynical product manager to be worthy of a speaking slot. Assholes.

Instead, the Cranky Product Manager has been nominated for a far more prestigious award: The ComputerWeekly.com IT Blog Awards 2008 in the IT Project Management Category. And in case you are as ill-informed as the CPM, note that ComputerWeekly is based in the UK.

Mind you, this is a big fucking deal. Oh shut up. The Cranky Product Manager sees you rolling your eyes and muttering to yourself "Oy vey. Yet another blogular awards scam. Some website invents a bunch of blog awards -- all a scheme to get nominated bloggers to link back to the award bestower's site with 'vote for me' posts."

To which the Cranky Product Manager says, shut the hell up already. She knows the score. She's perfected the fine art of cynicism after all. But, shit, her self-esteem is in the toilet after the whole TED thing. And because she's never gotten an award related to her profession before, other than "Best Requirements Document" (an award that made her mother SO effing proud).

An aside... Lest you think the CPM's lack of amassed awards must mean she is not so great at her job, let her remind you that 1) She is a Product Management Goddess and no one does it as fantastically as she, ask anyone, and 2) She's not in Sales where they give you 4 or 5 awards a year if you manage to wipe your own ass without the help of your District Manager. She's in Product Management, the land of no awards, ever.

Back to business. To make a tedious story short, the Cranky PM is actually genuinely psyched to get nominated, even though it is not quite for a MacArthur. She is very vain yet highly insecure and pathetically craves the validation.

So -- begging here -- stop yer eye rolling and go to the ComputerWeekly.com site and vote for The Cranky Product Manager. You know you want to. Please?

Tell the Cranky Product Manager

2008-06-23T01:32:00-07:00

The Cranky Product Manager is well aware that she is perhaps the lamest, most irresponsible blogger in any industrialized western nation. A post every six-to-eight weeks is pathetic, she knows. She wouldn't stand for it and is surprised you do.

Problem is, every time the Cranky PM is inspired to write about some shockingly numb-skullian situation at DysfunctoSoft she has to stop and think really hard - much harder than her lazy ass brain is accustomed to thinking - about how to best to disguise the story. All so no one would guess The Cranky Product Manager's real identity.

And nothing kills the creative muse like worrying about being fired or losing all of one's friends. Or worse, having the paparazzi "out" her and pasting an unattractive candid photo on the cover of Product Manager Weekly. Yikes-o-rama.

So... so, the Cranky Product Manager ask YOU for inspiration. Have a ridiculous software or PM related story? Write the CPM. She'll help you tell the Product Management Universe of your tale of woe -- all with exactly your desired level of anonymity, bitterness and sarcasm. Because it's easier to disguise someone else's pain than it is to hide your own. Trust the CPM on this.

A Parable on Fake Release Dates

2008-06-07T14:00:21-07:00

One January, the DysfunctoSoft Veeps of Product Management and Engineering got together and decided the date for the next product release.

Did these Illustrious High-Ups take into account how long it would actually take to develop the features they want? Hell no. They picked a date that would keep them from getting in trouble with the CEO. A date approximately 8 months away -- in August.

THEN, because DysfunctoSoft had a long and perpetual history of never completing a release even close to on time, the Veeps told Engineering that the release date was a mere 5 months away -- in May. And they goddammit they meant it: Come hell or high water you freakin' engineers better finish this release in May or the CEO will shut down our division.

Why the lie? Why the empty threat? Because if those f-wad engineers knew the actual date was August, well then the release wouldn't really be done until November. Or so the thinking went. Gotta hold their feet to the fire, those untrustworthy lazy engineers.

So what happened next? During the weekly PM Team meeting, the Veep of Product Management confessed to the team that the REAL release date was August, not May. But this tidbit was Not To Leave This Room. Don't tell! Or else the engineers won't do anything between January and May except play foosball and porn-surf the Internet.

Meanwhile, the Veep of Development held his weekly meeting withall the development managers. He told them a secret: The REAL release date is not until August! But don't tell the engineers! Or else they'd do nothing between now and May but laze around eating bonbons and creating You Tube tributes to Star Wars.

Next a sham schedule was produced, one that required all design be finished by end of January, coding done at end of March, beta testing starting March, and the final release in late May.

Somehow (and no one has any idea how this happened?!?), the engineers didn't fall for it. Maybe they remembered that NEVER before had DysfunctoSoft shipped a release within 6 months of the originally stated date. Maybe the engineers recalled that in every prior release, the Veeps lied to them about the actual "drop-dead" date for the release. Maybe they saw that the schedule jammed over 8 months of work into just 5 months, figured it was impossible and just gave up.

So May passed, and then August. It was November before the release finally shipped. Three months after the "real date." Six months after the "fake date". The Veeps were so glad they said May was the fake date because if they had said August then the release wouldn't have come out until February! Or so their thinking went.

(Note: If you are having trouble following this, you are not alone. Written clarity sometimes eludes the Cranky Product Manager, so refer to this diagram).

Then it was January of Year 2. Time again to plan for the NEXT big release. The Veeps met, and again picked a "real" release date 8 months away, in August once more. Recalling that the release slipped 6 months past the "fake date" last time, they figured this time they needed a "fake date" in February to make the "real date" in August.

And so the developers were presented with a sham schedule showing eight months of features being designed, developed and beta-tested within 2 months.

And the release proceeded much as any rational human being would expect. Yup. The release came out in November - a full 9 months after the "fake date". Once again the Veeps congratulate themselves on their decision to put out a fake date of February, because if they hadn't, well, the release would be that much later!

So what do you think will happen in Year 3?

Well, the Cranky Product Manager got an 800 on that GRE section with the funky logic problems (if Tommy is sitting across from Alan, and Alan is sitting next to Donna, where is the CPM sitting?), so allow her to calculate. For the next release to be actually completed in eight months, the "fake release date" needs to be 9 months earlier. In other words, the Veeps will have to tell their teams to finish the release one month prior to even starting!

That is, if this "fake date" crap even works. Which, of course, the Veeps insist it does. It seems ingrained very deep in their psyches, as it is with many executives in the software industry. No matter how much evidence there is to the contrary.

What, oh what, is a Cranky Product Manager to do?

The Reality of Maternity and Paternity in the Software Industry

2008-05-06T10:49:22-07:00

Dysfunctosoft, you are indeed extremely dysfunctional, but the Cranky Product Manager truly appreciates the flexibility you have afforded her as she attempts to figure out the motherhood-working mom-consummate-professional balance thingy.

You've been understanding about the CPM's requirement for a reduced travel schedule, her need to leave at 5pm on the dot when she once regularly stayed past 9pm, and her need to work at home when her nanny gets sick, doesn't show up, or quits out of the blue and leaves the CPM without viable alternative childcare for 3 weeks at a time. You've put up with canceled and postponed meetings due to illnesses and doctors visits. You've gracefully dealt with conference calls with a wailing baby in the background. Kudos to you, DysfunctoSoft. The Cranky Product Manager thanks you.

So yes, DysfunctoSoft, you are enlightened. Somewhat. But she can't help but notice you don't give the DADS the same flexibility as you afford moms. You expect the dads to travel incessantly, work endlessly late hours, and be available on a moment's notice. And DysfunctoSoft is hardly atypical. For example, the Darling Husband of the Cranky Product Manager works at nearby software company -- let's call it AHoleSoft -- in a similar role. AHoleSoft gives Darling Husband no slack to contribute to the childcare situation. (AHoles. What do you expect?) As a result, it all falls 100% on the Cranky Product Manager's shoulders. And that is crap, my friends. Unexpected crap, at that. Especially for someone ambitious who had dreams of taking over the world with her wealth of product management knowledge and derivative evil genius. Though she never thought it would happen to her, the Cranky Product Manager finds her career derailing, unable to accept a promotion because she can barely keep up as is.

Prior to this whole kid thing, the Cranky Product Manager had full (naive) expectations of a 50-50 marital split in terms of child-raisin'. After all, she brought down slightly more coin than DH, has a megawatt education, and had a pretty freakin' important job and excellent career prospects. Furthermore, Darling Husband fully supported this 50-50 split idea. He was all in favor of it. He's a natural with kids and wanted to spend lots of time with his offspring.

But alas, you Software Industry Mo-Fos make it pretty freakin' impossible. Oh yes, you try to be nice to moms, and your efforts are appreciated. But just remember, you can't really help working moms unless you help their husbands/partners too.

FAD: The Methodology to End All Methodologies

2008-04-28T12:44:00-07:00

The Cranky PM pronounces this send-up of Agile to be a work of comedic genius.

Enjoy your Monday.

Stage 4 Product Proliferation

2008-04-14T12:22:00-07:00

Once upon a time, long, long ago, DysfunctoSoft had a simple little price list. It could be described in a paragraph. Buy our server and pay $XX,XXX per machine. Buy our companion client-side tool and pay $YYY per instance. Simple.

And then came the inevitable. Customer A started whining: DysfunctoSoft, we like your product. But it is too full-featured for us. We don't want to pay for functionality we won't use. We want to pay less.

Instead of recognizing the whining as a simple price negotiation tactic, what do you think the big cheeses of DysfunctoSoft decided to do? Did they tell the sales person to do a better job of selling the product that actually existed? Did they attempt "value pricing" or offer Customer A a discount so the price would fit the project's budget?

No. Of course not. Because those options are just too freakin' simple. And too cheap. You see, DysfunctoSoft always likes to do things the arcane way. The expensive way. The way that is most likely to confuse the fuck out of customers and the sales people and pretty much everyone. The way that is most likely to increase the cost of BOTH sales AND product development by tenfold.

So what did they do? The big cheeses of DysfunctoSoft ordained that a NEW product be created, a variation on the original. This NEW product shall have less functionality than the original, and shall be offered at a lower price.

And it worked. The deal closed.

And then the very next customer, Customer B, said: You know what, we like your stuff, DysfunctoSoft. But the original product is too much for us, and product variation A doesn't do enough. We need something in between and we don't want to pay for functionality we don't use.

And so the big cheeses met on Mount Olympus yet again. In between sips of ambrosia, they commanded that Yet Another Product be created, against the strenuous objections of the predecessor to the Cranky Product Manager. Product B would have less functionality than the original and more than Product Variant A, and offered at a price in between the two. Customer B liked. And Customer B bought.

And you can see where this is going, right?

N years later, DysfunctoSoft now has product variations A through ZZZ. All slight variations of each other. Each has a moniker meant to distinguish it from the rest, but instead it serves to confuse the frig out of everyone: "Lite", "Starter", "Ultimate", "Standard", "Enterprise", "Developer", "Advanced", "Professional", "Professional Plus", "Basic", "Premier", "Express", "Personal", "On-Demand", "Workgroup", "Home", "Business", "Desktop", "Premium", "Basic N", "Unlimited", "Datacenter", "Foundation", "Framework", "Mobile", "Community"... The list goes on and on. Naturally, there is no consistency in the naming. That would make too much sense. What the frig do all these terms mean anyway? Especially when the "Unlimited" and "Ultimate" variants aren't as powerful as the "Enterprise" or "Pro Plus" or whatever. And how the hell are the Lite and Basic and Express and Starter editions different?

Not only that, each of these products can be licensed in a myriad of ways: per instance, per customer site, per server, per processor, per concurrent user, per named user... It is difficult to think of a licensing method that DysfunctoSoft does not support.

Results?

The price list is now enormous, pushing 200 pages or so. No one can understand it. Especially not Sales Droids. They join DysfunctoSoft and then quit/get fired within a year. And then it's time to train a new Droid. It takes them MONTHS to finally internalize this nutso product line architecture. Without their guidance, customers can't understand what to buy or how much it costs. Forget a consumer sale, a self-service sale, or one driven by website research.

Product Development is getting crushed underneath the weight of all these product variations. Although they all largely use the same code base, there are significant differences that have impact throughout the behavior of the products.

And because the names are hard coded into the products, manuals and marketing collateral, despite a concerted effort NOT to hard code them, it is now impossible to change the names to more sensible alternatives.

The QA effort required to test all these products on all the support platforms has gone through the roof. It seems that for any new release 60% of the effort goes into making the licensing more intricate and trying to automate this crazy product variation structure via license keys or elaborate build systems.

What else? Support costs have skyrocketed. As have documentation and training costs. Marketing costs too. The Cranky Product Manager is sure the effects do not stop there. Oh what joy it must be to handle the accounting for such a needlessly massive product line. Or the financial forecasting. The auditors probably have a grand old time billing DysfunctoSoft after sifting through its cornucopia of transactions attributable to each product and licensing option combination.

The Cranky Product Manager truly, honestly believes that DysfunctoSoft's latest troubles are primarily due to the explosion of products that are not truly differentiated. It's treading water, trying to keep its head above the continually crushing waves of a massive code base. There is no time to actually create value for your customers when you can barely maintain what you already have.

The Cranky Product Manager knows that DysfunctoSoft is hardly alone. Even companies like Proctor & Gamble are lured to madness by the siren of product proliferation and endless line extensions, paying dearly in the end for their lack of discipline. Every software company the CPM has ever worked with has suffered the same illness. But those companies were still in their early years, suffering from Stage 1 or Stage 2 Product Proliferation. Alas, DysfunctoSoft has an older product line, and is now suffering Stage 4 Product Proliferation: malignant, inoperable and infecting all organs in the body.

Perhaps it is time for the Cranky Product Manager to start working on her resume.

Persona Non Grata

2008-01-25T00:02:00-08:00

OK, contrary to popular theory, the Cranky Product Manager is not dead. She blames her lack of blog posts on the holiday madness, especially her miserable attempt to play Santa for her infant. And then, just as the holidays wrapped up and the last thank you note was written, the Cranky Product Manager was held against her will in a smoke-filled hotel for a entire week, forced to give product training to a bunch of hungover sales droids. And then attend their booze-drenched, endless awards ceremony.

Anyway, back to blogular business.

These days, seems like most in the product management blogouniverse think user personas are the shizz, the best thing going since the invention of the triple shot grande skim latte.

Never able to resist development fads, everyone at DysfunctoSoft is getting on this persona bandwagon. Example:

VINEETA
Vineeta is 33 years old and an entry-level IT manager at a mid-sized insurance company located on the Philadelphia Main Line. She manages a claims payment application for the auto insurance division. The application was developed before she was born. After a messy breakup with her fiancee one year ago, Vineeta moved back in with her parents. Her bedroom is now the same one she grew up in, and there's still a poster of Green Day on the wall. Vineeta is an Aries and enjoys long romantic walks on the beach. She has a 7-year old cat named Whiskers, whom the ex-fiancee detested.

Well, gee. How nice. What a nice, although potentially fragile, person that Vineeta seems to be. The Cranky PM sure hopes that DysfunctoSoft builds her some nice software.....

hmm. yep.

OK, the Cranky Product Manager HAS to say it. SO WHAT? WHO FREAKIN' CARES about Vineeta's hobbies or pets or love life? Seriously, what do these colorful details have to do with how Vineeta uses DysfunctoCrank 7.5?

Why are all the personas the Cranky PM sees littered with this type of crap detail instead of the facts that REALLY matter? Such as: How much time does Vineeta spend working with the application? What level of technical expertise does she have? What types of tasks does she usually do in the app? What circumstances would make her depart from the usual routine, etc...?

ARGH. Cranky Alert! Cranky Alert! Shelter in place, please!

Product Management Haiku

2007-11-21T14:03:00-08:00

Inspired by the fine, upstanding folks at Pivotal Product Management, here are some enthralling and inspirational haiku the Cranky PM whipped together.

Join in the fun! Submit your own haiku in the comments.

Gartner, Forrester,
How the CPM hates you.
Damn Magic Quadrant.

Product Marketing:
They tell product lies all day
But they don't know it.

Only Bad PMs
Don't install or even use
The products they own.

Their bogus excuse:
"Technically impossible,"
Code Boyz and Girlz claim.

Darling Customer.
We shipped you crap. I'm sorry.
Please abuse me now.

Top-down, bottom-up...
How to do product planning?
We always debate.

Supported products.
An integration nightmare.
Zillions of versions.

Upgrade now or else
We'll de-support the release
Your business uses.

Sales Droid always blames
Lost deals on missing features.
Wins are due to him.

Short beta programs:
For publicity only,
Not for finding bugs.

Trade shows are useless
Tools for generating leads.
They just want free pens.

Plugs Ahoy

2007-11-16T23:35:21-08:00

No bitchiness here today. The Cranky Product Manager finally got a good night's sleep. At last, after many months, CrankyKid 1.0 slept through the night. And there was much rejoicing.

Anyway, in lieu of a tirade against some marketing nimrod or self-important code boy, today the Cranky Product Manager is going to plug the following sites:

First, the new PM Jobs email list. This email alias for Product Management and Product Marketing job postings only launched two weeks ago. But wow! They have a ton of listings already. Over 115 job postings and 800 list members. Membership and posting are free. Since perusing the listings of several sexy-sounding jobs, the Cranky PM's perpetually wandering eye has mutated into fervent new job lust. Check it out at http://finance. groups.yahoo. com/group/ pm_jobs/.

Second, It's that time of year. Take Pragmatic Marketing's Annual Product Management and Marketing Survey before November 21. The CPM cannot WAIT until the results are published. She'll use them to demand her boss give her a monster raise.

Marketing Geniuses & Marketing Fads

2007-11-12T23:32:31-08:00

Of course. Of COURSE DysfunctoSoft pursued this ~~bonehead~~ ground-breaking marketing "strategy". Hey, without this type of inspired marketing , why there might not be a "Dysfuncto" in DysfunctoSoft.

What, you ask, is the Cranky Product Manager bitching about this time?

Well, about a year ago DysfunctoSoft's Marketing VP, who thinks of himself as a visionary, read an article about the Next Big Thing: the fantabulous SECOND LIFE virtual world. By some weird circumstance of the universe, this nimrod "visionary" always envisions the same future as the American Airlines in-flight magazine. Funny that.

Anyway, Veep Nimrod got on the case. His mission in life became securing DysfunctoSoft a corporate presence in Second Life. The future of DysfunctoSoft depended on it. It was a critical new avenue to potential customers. Because, as you know, C-level executives with multi-million dollar software budgets are usually hanging out there. Poor, lonely CIOs. Always wandering around virtual worlds aimlessly, thinking, "If only more enterprise software vendors had islands in Second Life, well then my Second Life could be just as tedious and soul-sucking as my first!" and "Man, I wish I'd run into a virtual software salesperson so I could hear a dreary sales pitch without having to deal with the real-world free dinners, drinks, and lap dances."

Anyway, not wanting to be hasty, Veep Nimrod did some market research on his ground-breaking concept. He asked his 12-year old son what he thought of the idea. "WICKED AWESOME" the kid said, in between rounds of Halo.

Emboldened by such powerful market validation, Veep Nimrod put his plan in motion. There was so much work to do and not a minute to waste. And now, finally, after _14 months!_ of weekly status meetings, managing vigorous debate among multiple cross-functional teams, and intensive work on his avatar, Veep Nimrod launched DysfunctoSoft corporate presence in Second Life.

Yippee.

Too bad Second Life is now a ghost town. Not even lonely CIOs hang out there anymore. Number of leads generated by this revolutionary marketing effort after 2 months? ZERO.

But at least this all-consuming epic marketing campaign distracted the Dysfuncto Marketing Geniuses for over a year. It kept them from inflicting any more damage to the Cranky Product Manager's beloved product. If they hadn't been otherwise occupied, the Geniuses probably would have added something like "Web 2.0" or "Social Networking Edition" to the CPM's product's name. You know, some kind of faddish phrase that has no relation to what the product is or does. Because the Geniuses want to make absolutely SURE that customers (and sales people) have no clue what the product actually does. Because confusing the fuck out of them is the sure way to customers' wallets, right?. Hey, if a tactic works for date rapists, it must be a good idea for enterprise software, agreed?

Watch out Marketing Geniuses. The Cranky Product Manager is disgusted with you. And her avatar can kick your avatars' virtual asses.

How to Get the Respect of Development

2007-10-23T21:49:00-07:00

When starting at a new company, even the best product manager finds herself in an awkward position -- the position where most of the developers don't listen to her and disrespect her. While this is a temporary condition for the successful product managers, some are never able to dig out from this living grave.

So, let the Cranky Product Manager help. Gather 'round and sit at the feet of the CPM whilst she bestows her big-league wisdom upon your sweet little ears. Wait with baited breath as she whispers in your ear the Secret of Gaining the Respect of Development.

Step 1: Stop being an Asshole.

For some of you, this might require a personality transplant. The CPM recommends you request a personality that is neither overly extroverted nor excessively introverted, easy to get along with yet somewhat stubborn, detail-oriented yet able to see the big picture, market-minded yet technical, diplomatic yet daring, a risk-taker but ultimately sensible, a visionary yet pragmatic.

In other words, get yerself a personality that excels in its middle-of-the-road-ness. A personality that has reached the pinnacle of mediocrity in all respects and revels in it. A personality that, lacking any strong characteristics, resembles tepid water in its complete nondescript-ishness and ability to go with any meal.

Don't feel bad if you need a personality transplant. It won't shock you to learn that the Cranky Product Manager needs one too. In her cranky old age she's become too likely to say exactly what she thinks, much to her development team's (and her boss's) chagrin.

Step 2: Become an expert in the current customer base.

First, before the Pragmatic Marketing folks jump down the Cranky Product Manager's throat and start screaming "be a MARKET EXPERT not a CUSTOMER EXPERT, you effing IDIOT," let the CPM explain: You gotta walk before you run.

Before the Code Boyz (and Grrlz) will accept the Neophyte PM's market expertise as gospel, they first need to believe that the NPM actually knows the names of some customers. Because, for some reason, the Code Boyz/Grrlz assume that Product Managers have no clue about customers. This is because the average developer or development manager thinks it's OBVIOUS what the customers want. After all, they actually MET two or three customers once, and maybe they even fixed a few bugs at a customer's request. And if you, the Neophyte Product Manager, disagree with the "obvious" course of action... well, then, it must be that you don't know anything and are pulling requirements out of yer ass.

This is called "projection" in psychiatric circles. The Code Boy/Grrl who pulls requirements out of his/her posterior quarters or "gut" or whatever accuses the Neophyte Product Manager of doing the same.

The way out of this quagmire?

Learn WAY more about the current customers than the development team. Then, prove it to those hateahs beyond a shadow of a doubt. Club them over the head with your wellspring of customer knowledge. Until no one can deny you know yer shite.

Fortunately, becoming a customer expert does not take that long if you really concentrate on it. But the CPM is tired. Worn out from dealing with a screaming infant all day. And she's not talking about her beloved spawn. Nay, she's referring to her (usually) favorite sales engineer who has a major case of whiney-itis. (a story for another day)

So, tune in next time for the CPM's "100-day plan for Becoming a Customer Expert and Proving it Again and Again and Again to Development". Coming out sometime in the next 6 weeks. Promise.

Happy Halloween and Peace out.

Administrivia

2007-09-30T16:53:13-07:00

The Cranky PM believes she has finished fixing this here blog. Please inform her of any broken links or missing images. Muchas gracias.

Oh yeah. Two caveats:

1) Some comments and TrackBacks got lost. Where they went is anyone's guess. Seems they didn't export correctly. Sorry 'bout that.

2) Any link that YOU made to a specific Cranky Product Manager post is probably busted. The CPM would much appreciate it if you could relink. Her apologies for the inconvenience.

(If only SixApart would let Typepad users manually specify the base filename of each post. Alas, they do not.... Guess they didn't account for a use case where the actor tries to recreate the blog she deliberately nuked weeks earlier.)

A Bit on Anonymity

2007-09-29T16:04:02-07:00

The Cranky Product Manager wants to respond to the comments on her last post.

Maybe y'all are right. Maybe the CPM's real-life alter ego could not be fired for keeping this here blog. She thinks you're wrong, since her state is an "at-will employment state", which she understand means she can be canned at any time for any reason that doesn't have to do with discrimination.

But anyway, assume you're right and she can't be fired for keeping a blog. That doesn't mean she's willing to risk being found out by her colleagues.

Even though the CPM's stories are fictional, well, think about it. How would you feel if you found out one of your co-workers was the Cranky Product Manager? Would you wonder if your latest gaffe was the inspiration for her most recent post? Would you wonder if you were the inspiration behind the Asshole Product Manager? Or the Product Marketing Director who is a self-styled visionary? Or what about Sally, the Spineless Release Manager?

Do you think the Cranky Product Manager's credibility and influence with developers, marketers, salespeople, and executives might be impacted? That maybe her entire ability to get her job done would be gravely compromised? And that her diminished job performance might lead to her eventual firing?

The Cranky PM thinks so. And thus she continues to remain anonymous and do her utmost to protect her identity, regardless of whether or not her company can officially fire her for having a blog.

She's back again

2007-09-25T17:08:31-07:00

Cripes, it is a pain in the ass being an anonymous blogger. One becomes constantly paranoid that her identity will be revealed, and that a pink slip and unemployment claims will be the end result.

Picture, if you will, the Cranky Product Manager doing a horrendously stupid thing at her real life job that -- if anyone was even paying the slightest bit of attention -- would surely have exposed her as the author of this here site. Within 5 minutes of realizing this grave mis-step, the Cranky Product Manager blew this site away. No time to backup the site, except for a quick export of all posts. In desperation, she pressed *DELETE WEBLOG* and *poof* it was all gone.

Fortunately, it seems that no one was paying attention. Perhaps it has blown over. Perhaps it is safe to come out of her cave again and breathe the fresh air of civilized society. Perhaps the Cranky Product Manager can rebuild and venture in the blogosphere once more, but a little bit wiser this time. OK, a lot wiser as she was an unbelievable idiot for letting this happen.

So the site is republished. Mostly.

Alas, all the photos on this blog -- including her marvelous logo image -- are gone.

And a bunch of links are effed up. If you ever linked to a specific CPM post, you might want to redo your link. So sorry about that.

And the site looks like crapola now, with all the missing images and the yucky plain green design. It physically hurts the Cranky Product Manager to think of her site looking so freakin' disgusting. Cripes again.

The CPM apologizes for her disappearance, especially to those who gave a s*&$. She gives a shout out to the folks at On Product Management for filing the equivalent of a missing persons report. And to the fine, upstanding individuals who emailed her, inquiring about the CPM's health and whereabouts. Love to you all. Kisses. Every one of you.

Stay tuned for the next post, being slaved over this second. It's called How to Gain the Respect of Development in 10 Easy Steps. You'll love it. Swear to Cheesus. Unlike her usual bitch-and-moan posts, the Cranky Product Manager promises that this post will actually be useful.

See you soon. Promise. And again, apologies.

2007-09-22T21:38:49-07:00

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Getting Demonstrative at Trade Shows

2007-08-28T17:38:00-07:00

The fine, upstanding, big-brained individuals at Pragmatic Marketing posed the question as part of their ginormous BlogFest:

Why demo at trade shows?

So the Cranky Product Manager answers, in her usual, long-winded fashion...

The main reason B2B software companies demo at trade shows is simple: TRADITION. The practice has been around for eons. In fact, the following image depicts the world's first trade show booth, with a smartly dressed product manager showing off the latest product features to a huge crowd of -- wow!-- three passersby (pretty typical for a trade show).

Notice that the audience appears to be quite "excited" by the demo of the latest version of the HMS 4.2 (Hieroglyphic Management System). But, alas, only one of the three viewers (meaning the dude with the big hat) has even the slightest ability to influence software purchases. Also, it is not clear why the audience is so very attentive and excited. Perhaps it is the product's awesome features. Perhaps. But more than likely it is either the demonstrator's chiseled abs or the lusciousness of the nearby Booth Babes handing out swag engraved with AncientSoft's logo.

Enough of the history lesson. Back to the question: Why demo at trade shows?

The Cranky Product Manager proclaims: The time has come to rethink the ancient, decrepit tradition of demo-ing at trade shows, or even hosting a booth. It is rarely worth the expense in time or dollars.

The CPM knows what she's talking about. At two former employers, the Cranky Product Manager did analyses of return-on-trade-show investment. And guess what? Trade shows came out as huge drains on company resources with scant benefit.

Want more detail?

First, the leads generated were always crap. Hardly any of these folks ended up spending a dime on software. They were people without budget or influence. People without real problems to solve, who were just trying to "keep up with the industry." People more interested in the crappy swag than the product. People looking for a job. People who worked for competitors. People who wanted to hit on the super-hot Cranky Product Manager or the not-quite-as-hot-and-definitely-not-as-smart Booth Babes. People who were so overwhelmed by the trade show's hyped-up atmosphere, or so hung over from the previous night's drunkfest, that they could not even attempt to understand what the company did: Please just drop your literature into my tote bag so I can sort through it back at my office.

Second, the cost of running a booth is ridiculous. The opportunity costs of drawing people away from other tasks for two to four days is huge. Then add the costs of paying $500 to rent each power cord, $800 for a table, $1000 for a carpet, $2000 for a carpet pad, etc... Unreal. But that's not all! You have to hire union laborers to carry your laptops into the building, at a rate of $100 per laptop. And then hire union electricians to plug them into your $500 power cords at the rate of $200 per power adapter fondled- - because everyone knows the act of even touching an electric cord is fraught with so much risk that a licensed professional must assist.

So again, back to the original question: Why demo at trade shows?

And at last, the Cranky Product Manager's answer:

Don't, if you can help it.

In fact, don't display at the trade show at all. Just attend and do some competitive research. Attend the sessions, which are often worthwhile. But don't waste your money running a booth in attempt to generate leads.

But the Cranky Product Manager is a realist. She knows that the Trade Show Tradition is tough to mess with. Your company is going to display at BigFatSoftwareConference-X no matter what you say.

So in that case, you, the Product Manager, might as well make the case that 1) a demo is essential, 2) no mere sales engineer has the necessary brainpower to demo your product effectively, and 3) you must personally attend to demo the product yourself.

And why would you argue this?

1) So that you, as a Product Manager, can secure passage to exotic trade show locations like Paris, London, Vegas, or Hawaii.

2) So that you, as a Product Manager, can have an excuse to hang out with the Booth Babes. Who knows, maybe one of those washed-up-at-age-28 former models will actually speak to you. Maybe your demo of your product's awesomitude will wow her to pieces. Maybe she'll say "Wow, Mr. Product Manager. I am so BLOWN away by your software's advanced monitoring and alerting features. And you say it's I18N compliant to boot? *SWOON* Do you want to buy me a drink later?"

And for the CPM's fellow PM sistahs, we can only wait for the day (far off, no doubt) where either there will be male booth babes or where this annoying and kinda offensive industry custom ends. (But that's a post for another day.)

3) So that you, as a Product Manager, can network with the hiring managers at your competitors and maybe snag yourself a better job. But keep in mind that VPs and Directors of PM are usually speakers or panelists and not slated for demo-duty in the booth. You better secure an All Conference pass to identify and discretely approach them.

Have fun demo-ing at your trade show. Know that even though you are wasting company resources and your own time, at least you are upholding and respecting the centuries-old traditions of the venerable Product Management People. Not only that, you are helping ensure the gainful employ of Booth Babes the world over. So sleep well, young Demo Dolly / Demo Dude, sleep well.

Steve Johnson for President

2007-08-11T09:46:00-07:00

If you've never seen Steve Johnson of Pragmatic Marketing speak, then you are truly missing out. Seriously, the Cranky Product Manager kids you not. He is one freakin' hilarious dude. Very, very funny while oh-so-in-touch with the inane nature of real-world product management. The Cranky Product Manager once saw him speak, and afterward - no lie - she had to switch out her jeans for a less damp pair.

So, the call to arms. Go vote for Steve. Make him one of the speakers for the awesomely magnificent Business of Software conference.

After Steve wins this select-a-speaker contest, which he undoubtedly will thanks to all of you, beg the powers-that-be for some budget, and go hear his talk.

You will not be disappointed, the Cranky PM assures you.

Just remember to bring an extra change of clothes.

How to Get Hired By The Cranky Product Manager

2007-08-08T12:19:00-07:00

After her last post, the Cranky Product Manager received a bevy of emails asking "given the recruiting process is a bore that yields lackluster results, how does a candidate rise above the process and snag the job?"

A fine question, Grasshopper. Sit at the feet of the Cranky Product Manager and receive the wisdom she is about to bestow upon you.

But first, understand that the Cranky Product Manager can only tell you what impresses her. Others hiring PMs might be impressed by your deep baritone voice and your MBA (or lack thereof). They might "relate" while you wax poetically on the profound challenges of having responsibility without formal authority. Whatever.

That said, there are lots of things a candidate could do to impress the Cranky Product Manager. However, there is one tactic that is very rarely done, but really rocks her world. When a candidate pulls this maneuver out and executes it flawlessly, well, it makes the Cranky Product Manager swoon. Her heart fills with new-hire lust. During tedious bug scrub meetings, her thoughts drift to fantasies of this rock star joining her team. Oh, how much easier life would be, if only Bobby Bubble would join DysfunctoSoft! Oh my god, I must hire him NOW.

The maneuver is called The PM Skillz Showcase. Execute it as follows:

During the phone screen and the initial in-person meeting, YOU (the candidate) take the lead. Interview the Cranky Product Manager about her requirements for the PM position. Just as you would interview a customer about his requirements for a product. Uncover the "hidden" requirement. Unearth the "use cases" and the business results expected. Learn how the CPM convinced her boss to expand her team, etc. It means asking really good, probing questions, actually LISTENING very carefully to the responses, and verifying that you correctly understand throughout the conversation.

Toward the end of your time slot, summarize your understanding of The Cranky Product Manager's wants and needs and reasons for the position. Write the main points on the white board. (The ability to do a good chalk talk always impresses the CPM). Make sure the CPM agrees to your summary of her situation and your analysis, and if not, refine it until she does.

Then, and only then, go through the list of requirements you have on the board and discuss your ability to meet each, with some examples from your past. Point out the areas in which you are particularly strong. Show that you are a straight shooter by also discussing requirements that are not your strengths, where you are merely slightly better than average and not a true demigod, but why it will not be an issue.

Oh yeah, if you have a sales background, the Cranky Product Manager will be expecting you to try to "close" her at this point, but in a low-key way. Even if you don't hail from Sales, the CPM is looking for some subtle "selling" as evidence of how helpful you'd be on sales calls.

Consider the interview a success if the CPM leaves your list of position requirements up on her board and judges all other candidates against it. Congratulations, you've helped her clarify in her own mind - in a HELPFUL way - what she is trying to accomplish by hiring someone new. You've wowed her with your ability to build customer rapport, and your prowess in teasing out requirements, underlying business problems, and drivers. You showed her your ability to synthesize detailed information and fit it into the bigger picture. You've shown you will be helpful on sales calls and not detrimental. And, by helping to define the requirements for the position, you've tilted the playing field in your favor.

Expect an offer* from the Cranky Product Manager within 4-5 months (see previous post about the ponderous "speed" of DysfunctoSoft's recruiting process). Unfortunately, the salary offer will be far too puny for someone of your caliber. Ah well.

*Provided, of course, that you have adequate technical, writing, presentation, marketing,and strategic analysis education and experience. And that you are well-mannered, not an egotistical ass, don't have a history of personality conflicts with developers, etc, etc....