The Cranky Product Manager

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The Cranky Product Manager wants to know.... who the heck _ARE_ you, anyway? Are you part of her Product Management posse? Or part of the warring marketing or software engineering tribes? Do tell....

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Muchas Gracias,
The Cranky Product Manager

Three Things The CPM Doesn't Want to Hear

Golly gee, the Cranky Product Manager was recently quoted a few times in the ZDNet blog, The IT Grind. As was Saeed "Wrath of" Khan, the esteemed author of The Blog On Product Management.

The title of the ZDNet piece was "10 things your IT project manager never wants to hear."  Confusing that the CPM and Mr. Khan should both be featured, as both write about proDUCT management at software manufacturers, not proJECT management within corporate IT departments.  But whatever.  The CPM will take any publicity she can get.

Anyway, ZDNet just shared a few snippets of the Cranky Product Manager's distilled wisdom.  You, darling readers, deserve more. So here's the CPM's entire rant, as sent to Deb Perelman at ZDNet.

THREE THINGS THE CRANKY PRODUCT MANAGER NEVER WANTS TO HEAR A DEVELOPER SAY. EVER.

1) "The product needs to be re-architected from scratch"

Re-architecting, it seems, is every engineer's wet dream.  How could an engineer possibly be expected to understand the code their predecessor wrote?  Better to tear down the entire house - even though its residents are perfectly sheltered - in order to remodel the bathroom or put a cover over the patio.

Really.

Re-architecture seems to always be necessary because the predecessor never knew "what the hell he/she was doing".  Somehow the profession is littered with an innumerable number of idiots, except for the one currently doing the talking.  If you believed the engineers you'd conclude that programming languages were all "WORN"  - Write Once, Read Never.

Scratch that. Make it "WMRN" - Write Many Read Never.

2) "It's technically impossible"

In the Cranky Product Manager's experience, engineers only claim the really boring stuff is technically impossible. In contrast, the truly out-there stuff (building a warp drive, increasing Dubya's approval ratings) is described as "potentially do-able, if only ...".  Funny that.  

Saying something is "technically impossible" makes marketing and non-tech types shake in their boots.  But fortunately the Cranky Product Manager has a solid code-slinging background and can call bullshit. Perhaps the WAY the engineer thinks is the Ideal is technically impossible, but almost always the customer requirements can be met via a different, more earth-bound implementation. 

But too bad, the project will still be boring.

3) When a developer argues that a particular product component is PERFECT for implementation via the latest fad of development technology. 

"Cranky Product Manager," they say,  "we should implement this high-speed encryption system using Ruby with an AJAX front-end. It fits PERFECTLY." 

What crap. 

First, in most cases the fad technology most certainly does NOT fit the problem.

Second, we're under a deadline here! This thing needs to be DONE in 2 weeks and we don't have time for the developer to learn the latest resume-enhancing technology on the job while that clock is ticking.  And besides that developer's slower speed, the QA team would need to figure out how to plug that new technology into their automated systems.  The IT department has to figure out how to get the latest versions of the proper development tools on everyone's desktops. Other team members need to learn the FAD Tech too, in order to do code reviews or pick up the code when that developer is sick or incapable of fixing his own bugs.  The ripple effects are huge.

Don't get the Cranky Product Manager wrong. Adding a new technology to the mix is often warranted, but it is not a decision to be taken lightly -- most certainly not on some developer's whim. Have the whole team consider FAD Tech in the planning stages of the next biggish release.

In the meantime, tell your developer to go screw around with FAD Tech at the next SuperHappyDevHouse  or something.  Just pray he doesn't whip up some piece of s@#$ hack and expect you to stuff it into the product at the last minute.

They Call This Guy a Product Manager?

If it has been a long time since you've vomited in your mouth and you can't recall how badly it felt, then check this out....a first-person essay -- published in Business Week, no less -- by a brand spankin' new MBA who is ostensibly now a "product manager" at Microsoft.

And let me tell you, the guy sounds like the kind of weenus that gives all those Code Boyz out there just cause for reviling MBA-sporting product managers.

Reason number one for despising him (and the CPM quoteth):

"I'm not a very technical guy. On my first day at Microsoft it took me 30 minutes just to find the latch to open my laptop."

Dear effing G#d, is THIS why the Cranky Product Manager is having such difficulty hiring a reasonably competent PM these days?  Because Microsoft is hoarding all the ones who take 30 minutes or less to open their laptops? 

Reason number two:

"In a nutshell, my job is all about unlocking the value in our products..." 

Oh no he di'int!  Oh wait, yes, he did! That's right, he said it. "Unlocking Value."  In public!  Indeed. Such MBA tripe. Barf.

Reason number three:

"I have to figure out how to connect with customers directly, to convince them that every day they delay deploying Microsoft Office they miss out on real business value."

Hmmm.  Well this is an interesting job description, but it is not one for product management. Product Management (and, one could argue, Marketing in general) is all about building products the market actually wants so (in theory) you don't have to convince anyone to deploy them. Honestly.

Sales, not product management, is all about convincing the customer that the steaming turd of a product you are currently serving is, in fact, the world's most tender Kobe steak served on fine bone china.  Microsoft Office 2007 seems to fit the description.

Reason number four:

While he reads emails he "throws some random fist pumps."  Dear God. Plus he listens to a Zune. Need the CPM say any more?

The Cranky Product Manager calls bullshit. This guy is in post-sales, not PM. What, do they give out Product Manager titles like they are soy sauce packets in Redmond? To fist-pumping morons who can't even open their laptops? Something tells me he wouldn't make it through the Google interview process...

Argh. No wonder the Code Boyz and Grrrlz of the world despise product managers. In fact, the Cranky Product Manager now feels compelled to apologize to the International Brother/Sisterhood of Code Boyz and Grrrls:

Mea culpa, my friends, please have mercy on our MBA-polluted product manager souls.

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Remember to visit the Cranky Product Manager on Facebook.

And vote for her AGAIN in the ComputerWeekly.com blog-awards-sham-thing. Voting instructions: Scroll down to the "IT Project Management Blog" drop-down, select "The Cranky Product Manager", then click the Submit button.

(Yes, the Cranky Product Manager does find it odd that she's nominated for ProJECT management, not ProDUCT management. But hey, they could have put her up for the Biggest Douchebag Blog Award and the CPM would still ask you to vote for her. Because that's how desperate she is for the tiniest bit of blogular love and adulation. Obviously, daddy didn't give her enough hugs when she was growing up.)

Shameless Self-Promotion

The Cranky Product Manager is now on Facebook. Check it here.  Become her "Fan" or something.  You know you want to.

And don't ye be a dumb-dumb.  "Anna (Nicole) Smith" -- the so-called "name" of the creator of the Cranky Product Manager Facebook page -- is a complete fabrication. Duh. Apparently Facebook won't let the CPM register by her "actual" name of "Cranky Product Manager."  *sniff*

Oh yeah, remember to vote for the CPM for that blog-awards-sham-thing. Early and often. Polls close on July 31.

Oh yeah, almost forgot: "Facebook is a registered trademark of Facebook, Inc.”

Shameless Begging

Holy grande triple latte. The Cranky Product Manager has been nominated for a big-league award. And it is an award that requires that you be a humungous super genius, no lie. Totally.

Guess which one it is?

The CPM knows what you're thinking. It goes like this: "WOW, the CPM must have been invited to speak at this year's TED Conference."  Alas, you are incorrect.  For some reason TED did not deem the embittered rantings of a spat-upon, cynical product manager to be worthy of a speaking slot. Assholes.

Instead, the Cranky Product Manager has been nominated for a far more prestigious award: The ComputerWeekly.com IT Blog Awards 2008 in the IT Project Management Category.  And in case you are as ill-informed as the CPM, note that ComputerWeekly is based in the UK. 

Mind you, this is a big fucking deal. Oh shut up. The Cranky Product Manager sees you rolling your eyes and muttering to yourself "Oy vey. Yet another blogular awards scam. Some website invents a bunch of blog awards -- all a scheme to get nominated bloggers to link back to the award bestower's site with 'vote for me' posts."  

To which the Cranky Product Manager says, shut the hell up already. She knows the score. She's perfected the fine art of cynicism after all. But, shit, her self-esteem is in the toilet after the whole TED thing. And because she's never gotten an award related to her profession before, other than "Best Requirements Document" (an award that made her mother SO effing proud). 

An aside...  Lest you think the CPM's lack of amassed awards must mean she is not so great at her job, let her remind you that 1) She is a Product Management Goddess and no one does it as fantastically as she, ask anyone, and 2) She's not in Sales where they give you 4 or 5 awards a year if you manage to wipe your own ass without the help of your District Manager.  She's in Product Management, the land of no awards, ever.

Back to business.  To make a tedious story short, the Cranky PM is actually genuinely psyched to get nominated, even though it is not quite for a MacArthur. She is very vain yet highly insecure and pathetically craves the validation.  

So -- begging here -- stop yer eye rolling and go to the ComputerWeekly.com site and vote for The Cranky Product Manager.  You know you want to. Please?