She's BACK (& New Rules)

Yo, yo, yo!  The Cranky Product Manager regrets to inform you that she is BACK. Just in case you don't have enough software business-related crankiness and bitchitude in your life already, the CPM is here to up your weekly (or more realistically, biweekly) quotient.

You might be wondering, "Why oh why did the Cranky Product Manager disappear for weeks and weeks and weeks?  Wherever did she go?"

Good question. No, she was not laid up in the hospital as the victim of vicious bedbug attacks. Nor was she detained in Guatanamo Bay for smuggling lip gloss onboard a flight.  Alas, no. Nothing quite as fun as that.

Instead, she was dealing with her freakin' cyberstalker. What a fantastic time that was. But don't you worry your pretty little craniums (crania?), that situation has been resolved without bloodshed or anyone losing their weekly paychecks. Maybe, one day, once she recovers from the trauma, she'll relate the story.

Anywho, the situation made this blog's author realize that some changes are needed around here in order to protect the author's privacy, family, and career. In short, she realized she needs to be extremely explicit and take evasive measures.

So, people, huddle up. Here's the deal:

1. The Cranky Product Manager is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER that is loosely based on reality. Yes, her experiences and observations are based on the accumulated real-world experiences and observations of a real-life former software product manager/developer/consultant who has been doing this "software product" thing for a very long time for many companies.  But that doesn't mean that even MOST of what you read here is actually true.
2. Just to reiterate point #1, the Cranky Product Manager character is far more outspoken, obnoxious, and bitter than her real-life author. The Cranky Product Manager is so pissed off that you should never put her in front of a customer because she would totally bitchslap the next one who mentions the words "social networking."  Rest assured, the real-world author is a bit more refined, at least on the surface.


3. The company that the Cranky Product Manager works at -- let's call it "DysfunctoSoft" -- is a FICTIONAL COMPANY rife with dysfunctional FICTIONAL characters, processes, and behaviors, yet somehow has a bunch of customers and occasionally manages to ship product.  The real-life author does not work at this company. This company is "the worst of the worst" that the author has ever experienced or ever heard about.  You'll be introduced to DysfunctoSoft's truly awesome management team, product development staff, and marketing mavens in due time.
4. Don't bother trying to find out the Cranky Product Manager's true identity. Just take it for granted that ANY detail of her persona that might possibly provide clues as to who she is in real life has been disguised / changed to protect her anonymity. FOR EXAMPLE, the Cranky Product Manager character is an in-the-trenches product manager, because that's where all the humor is. The author, on the other hand, may have moved beyond that career stage. In fact, the author might not even in product management or in software anymore. Maybe, just maybe, she has given up the software life and is now a suitcase-wielding model on "Deal or No Deal."  Or maybe she is not even a she, but a 300-lb prison inmate who uses the broken fingers of creepy cyberstalkers to remove popcorn kernels from between his teeth.

   

Perhaps the author of the Cranky Product Manager blog is pictured above.  But you will never know...

Comments

[The Cranky Product Manager]

Jonathan, El Ex-Product Manager --
It's good to be back. Thanks for the welcome!

And as for you, will, 5 links is not far enough. If the Cranky Product Manager might remind you, the Internet Restraining Order against you clearly states that 10 links is the minimum distance you must maintain.

[will]

sorry for the e-stalking . . . I've promised to stay 5 links away from your blog from now on :)

[El Ex-Product Manager]

Hey Cranks -

Welcome back. We missed your postings and ramblings.

[Jonathan Boutelle]

Glad you're back!